Howdy!
I guess I needed a break from writing. Not only was I feeling uninspired, I felt that my words were becoming transactional- simply recounting the monotony of the day’s events. But I’m back and it’s time to share what I’ve been juggling.
Prior to Covid, I had a rhythm- I would spend multiple days looking inward. Focusing on my personal endeavors in the solitude of my home. I enjoyed the simplicity of it and found the days reading and writing to be quite rewarding to my soul. In some ways, these winter moments spent doing my own thing are my personal form of a “work week.” And as everyone knows, when the work is done, it’s time play! I’d spend weekends with friends, meandering the city. I sought entertainment in the forms of movies or theater productions. I found wonder in seeing other people do things well, like experiencing a nice dinner at a new restaurant- a labor of love from the chef and servers. Or a ceramics display- a perfect demonstration of patience, thoughtfulness, and beauty. Or a band- such a lovely form of camaraderie and expression. Play time was always characterized by travel, exploration, and fun perfectly paired with laughter and good conversation.
After becoming unable to focus, eccentric, and almost hyper for the past few days, I realized what was going on. I’m pretty comfortable being home and keeping busy, but I miss the play with every part of me. It’s been a struggle to find ways to look outward from the confines of home. It has been almost surprising to realize how much those days used to fill my cup. I’ve resorted to mimicking certain things I miss. For example, arranging a “coffee date” with a friend where I called them in the morning and we spoke, in depth, for three hours. Declaring happy hour with my dad, brother, and sister where we share drinks and play games. I found the ample crying to be comforting evidence that we are all going through some emotional turmoil. I’m also trying to create physical things. I’ve recruited my brother for his carpentry skills to help me make nightstands and shelves for my cabin. I’ve been listening to new music and dancing. Meditating to a thunderstorm. Watching a cardinal outside my window for an hour. Picking up sticks in the yard. It’s been an adjustment to say the least.
As mentioned in another post, there are many ups and downs. I come from a long line of non-complainers and optimists. Any time we would pout as kids, my dad would tickle us until we laughed- admittedly, it was very effective. There have been many times where having a pick-me-up attitude has carried me through life. I don’t sweat the small stuff, ever, and it’s made me extremely easy going. Throughout this quarantine, I’ve often felt bad. There is sadness and confusion and longing. I’m quick to point out, to myself, that there are other people suffering worse than I am. I think of the homeless and those who have lost their jobs and also of those working in hospitals and emergency services. I quickly self correct my sorrow by seeing my privilege. Who I am to complain? But also, does the fact that other people are suffering worse than me make my feelings any less valid? I think healthy perspective is good. It allows you to see the big picture. I also think it’s healthy to be empathetic and allow yourself to really feel. This is a perfect example of comparative suffering, something I’ve just recently discovered the words for. It’s easy to compare our suffering- to look at who’s effected more or who’s better off in times of crisis. For me, when I think of this I start to feel guilty and that is not productive whatsoever. The truth is there is no limit to empathy- there is enough to go around. I’m learning to be ok with bad feelings and to know that even though I’m not worse off than certain people, my sadness or fear is still valid. Rather than denying my feelings, I’m beginning to offer myself love and understanding just like I would for others.
I have an uneasy feeling that we are going to be in this for a while- a marathon of sorts. I’ve been adjusting to this new normal and strategically planning for what it could look like as time goes on, but I’ve also been feeling the need to grieve the loss of my old normal. Perhaps this is what we are all dealing with.
A few coping strategies I’ve employed:
Limiting my news intake. This looks like: NOT watching the news or checking it more than once a day. I am lucky enough to not have social media in this messy world, but I think everybody would do better if they stepped away from it from time to time. I only look at the Wall Street Journal when I feel that I need a quick update as it’s truthful, unbiased, well written, and offers differing ways to look at things.
Exercise. Plain and simple, staying active will help us all get through this in healthier shape physically and mentally. I keep finding that my walks and runs leave me feeling so much lighter- sweating out the stress and anxiety.
Being open. Spending time with your friend’s emotions and your own. Offering an ear and optimism when you’ve got it in you to give and leaning in to others when you don’t. We are all in this together.
Paying attention to the “normal” moments. Tonight I noticed the sunset and I sat and stared. The quiet countryside felt so comforting. At plain sight, it seemed that everything was right in the world- no chaos, sickness, or fear- and in that moment, for me all of those things rang true. My heart filled right up.
Get outside. As much as possible.
We’ve got this folks. Hang in there.
See what I mean?
