So I’ve decided to start a Quarantine blog because I’m finding this time to be a bit challenging as well as interesting. I want these pages to be my outlet where I can express myself in an honest, open way. I used to find blogging to be so fun and refreshing and I’m really craving that in this weird time. Also, I think I just love blogs and the idea of creating content that nobody really reads.
Today is day 1ish for me because I spent yesterday at home moping around because the weekend was over, feeling tired, and reading fiction and now today I’ve chosen to be here due to the quarantine. I reluctantly admit that I snuck in a trip to the grocery store for only 30 minutes this afternoon. I diligently kept myself six feet away from everybody with the exception of the nice cashier lady that I pray washed her hands and so honestly I feel that it doesn’t really count. I just dread the thought of having to start again on day 1 tomorrow, so I think it makes sense to combine these two days and mold them into a unique day 1ish. My blog, my rules.
On a serious note, fear sank into me today. I mean that in a very literal way. My optimism sat on the bench and let the news steal the show. I began to really intimately fear the crash of the economy, my food supply, about my loved ones, and even (for the first time) what getting the virus would entail. I have never feared illness other than terminal cancer. I have never feared not having work. And for somebody who loves grocery shopping- who literally thought during childhood, “I can’t wait until I’m older and can grocery shop on my own,” that odd person who smiles as they walk down the isles, the fear of not having access to those beautiful plums and brussels sprouts really messed with me.
All day I’ve been thinking things like Am I overreacting? Is this mass chaos legitimate? Should I go up north where there are significantly less people? Am I allowing friends into my quarantine? Should I have bought green onions while at the store? They’re so versatile! How long will this go on? Is that a tickle in my throat? Can my pets pick up on my anxiety? Wait, is this what anxiety feels like? What is this tightness in my chest?
I read once that “worry is a waste of the imagination.” Amidst all of the bad today, that thought kept reoccurring to me. At first I would swat it away like an annoying mosquito- there is no room for niceties in here right now! But damn it was persistent. It really made me think critically about this entire situation and while I do think that some concerns are legitimate, the bulk of what was on replay in my mind were worst case scenarios. And the truth is, the only thing I have the power to do now is to take proper care of myself and get comfy at home. To take advantage of my time. To be creative. To choose joy even when it feels ironic. To find peace because I have taken the steps to ensure my needs are met and to leave the rest to fate. This is such a weird time for everybody and I think we are all craving answers to those endless questions in our minds, but they don’t exist. This is new and it is ok to be uncomfortable. I’ve made the decision for myself to address things as they happen, but not waste time creating horrid scenarios in my mind anymore.
Nusa Penida, Indonesia.
Visual proof that you can grow in unexpected places.
In other news, here are some highlights of Day 1ish:
Finishing a 1,000 piece puzzle with the help of some Cabernet.
Walking 3 miles on dad’s new treadmill with a live image of a nicely paved path in Scotland near the sea.
Beginning to watch “Anne with an ‘E’” on Netflix. It brings back all of my Anne of Green Gables mems as a little tyke.
Finishing “Nine Perfect Strangers” a nice fiction that I picked up because the author wrote “Big Little Lies” a TV show that I THOROUGHLY enjoyed despite never having read the book. It was an easy read with a nice little plot twist half way through.
Finishing “This is Where I Leave You” a book by Jonathan Tropper which was hilarious, inappropriate, and heartfelt. I would say if you are a dude who enjoys crude humor about real life things, this book has your name all over it.
Losing my appetite due to my first real run in with anxiety.
Putting off my real estate schoolwork.
Seeing the difference between my dad’s and my “last run to the market.” It was discovered my dad can’t imagine life without bread, eggs, milk and the sugary sweet goodness of Betty Crocker brownies, lemon bars, white cake, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cheesecake, apple pie, etc. and apparently my biggest fear is running out of green juice (I only bought 3 gallons thank you very much), ginger tea, beans, and frozen vegetables. I guess all in all that makes us a pretty good team.
Sheepishly telling my friends that I have to cancel any plans because I have suddenly decided to take this whole thing seriously.
What a wild ride today has been. I think this blog thing will be good for me. I’ll leave with this,
“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” -Brene Brown
Cheers