Yesterday didn’t feel right to write. Yesterday felt like a “have a productive morning to make everything feel normal, stress out about seeing people and deciphering what’s right and wrong, cry a little, skip reading the news, unwind, forget all the problems with a funny movie and Red Blend” type of day. It felt like the end of the first quarter. A good time to reset, re-plan, re-energize, re-everything after seeing what we’re up against. Here are a few things that have been on my mind:
It is heartbreaking to not see people. To be wary of having your family over. To consider the health of your loved ones on a sliding scale to determine their risk. It feels wrong and in many ways pointless. I saw most of the people that matter to me this past weekend. We hugged, we danced, sat around campfires and dinner tables, we cheers’d our glasses and passed around a bottle of tequila all just a handful of days ago. So who am I to say we can’t be in the same place now? Has the damage already been done? What am I waiting for exactly? I hate feeling skeptical. Being a quarantine police woman is not a job I signed up for, nor a role that I feel particularly qualified for. Yesterday morning my sister texted me saying that her and her boyfriend were coming home for the day. I immediately got defensive. Why? What have you been doing all week? Ma’am, can I please see your hand wash logbook? Am I ok with this? I had earlier decided that it was ok that my boyfriend come over for the day since I knew he’d been taking the same precautions I have been all week and he’s a perfect angel (lol). When I told him that my sister would be joining us he also panicked because his dad is high on the risk scale with an auto immune disorder. He turned that truck right around. In one sweeping moment, I made the decision to leave to go to Andy’s house. Me, the person who has been sitting on her high horse bunkering down at home- doing the “right” thing was now going to leave because somebody else was coming and it was ok for me to see these people, but not those people. Right? As my sister pulled into the driveway, I pulled out with a meek, awkward wave and lopsided smile. I put one mile behind me and bawled my little eyes out. I think this is the perfect example that nobody knows what they’re doing and how imperfect we are. We are nervous and anxious and scared and trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. I called my sister to apologize and to tell her that I promise I don’t think she has the plague. She offered me the best response, “It’s ok, we are all in this tough situation, but it’s ok.”
When you talk to people who are skeptical and think this is a big overreaction and who say things like “more people die of the flu each year” and “the numbers aren’t that bad,” don’t you feel better for a moment? Yes, I think they could use a dose of reality checking, but don’t you want to believe what they’re saying too? It would be so nice to feel that this isn’t a big deal. In some strange way, I am jealous of these people for breathing easy.
I hate talking about it, I hate that it feels all consuming at times. But for me, naming these feelings and writing them down and talking about them does help me keep it in check. I’m owning these feelings so they don’t own me.
The amount of cases world wide has exceeded 330,000 according to the Wall Street Journal. Today I spoke with a friend who was notified they’d come into positive contact with Covid on Saturday. It was a family member of hers who has showed zero symptoms and feels 100% fine. The only reason they found out was because they were part of the medical community and required testing. That really made my mind go wild imagining the spread and how many people get it without ever feeling bad. Is it weird to say I just want to get the virus and get it over with?
This sucks.
Brighter days hiking on the Brule with Cash (I spy a happy, wagging tail).
Some other NON Covid things I’ve been loving:
Today I decided I wanted a bernedoodle puppy. I’m pretty good at making quick, big decisions without thinking too hard, so I quickly went online to find a breeder nearby. 5 minutes later I’d found a male puppy that was ready to go home on Friday. I emailed the breeder to confirm they were normal people, got a picture of the pup, and then asked the price as an afterthought. $4,000 she responded. I laughed, stuck that daydream in my back pocket, and decided to pay my mortgage for the next 5 months instead.
I am so extremely grateful for two supplements I’m taking each day. Adrenal recovery to help my body cope with any stress. Immune Shroom to build my immunity. I’m loving any easy ways to help care for myself. https://www.organicolivia.com/
Dirty jokes and the movie “Good Boys.” It’s gotten funnier each of the last 12 times I’ve watched it.
Experimental fish fries! Last night we cooked up walleye four different ways. It was such a fun kitchen experience. One with the basic s&p and Shore Lunch, one with Old Bay seasoning and minced garlic (a real crowd pleaser), another with a Thai sweet chili sauce, and lastly one with onion, garlic, s&p, and fresh lemon.
“This is Us” the TV show. It is the epitome of how I want to communicate in life. It is my modern day Brady Bunch. The perfect example of what family means and how I want to raise my kids someday.
Bubble baths in the morning while sipping coffee and reading. Bubble baths midday whilst listening to a new podcast by my favorite human Brene Brown, sipping high tea, and pretending I am the Queen of England. Bubble baths in the evening to unwind as if I’ve just worked a double shift in a laborious job coupled with more reading, lots of journaling, and an acoustic playlist.
Getting cabin and boat reservations for this summer. I think everybody is awaiting that sunshine and lake time to feel better. I know I’ve been craving it with every inch of my soul.
Yesterday and today I read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It has been a wonderful book to read in this time. Using our words impeccably is more important now than ever- a way to bring us all together while we spend these days apart. He speaks about the power of our words and being deliberate with them to create a beautiful world. He then discusses how taking things personally and making assumptions creates emotional poison for ourselves and others. I think the world would be a better place if every person on social media had this as ‘required reading’ before posting anything online. P.S. I’m totally allowed to make rules like that since I don’t have any forms of social media and I’ve read the book, so I know best.
“The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby create the events in your life.”
Laying in bed to finish the second half of a movie marathon with my loves. Feeling quite snug.
Cheers
Lake Vermilion paradise