Serendipity

defined: the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. 

At times I go through life feeling like I am in the passenger seat- observing. Life passing by me and I am seeing, experiencing it. I don't have control yet things keep happening in this particularly fine order. It just keeps making sense. That's all I can say. I'm reading the right things, sipping good whiskey when an amazingly warm human sits down, stumbling upon an industry I might love, taking a class with the most inspirational professor I've ever had, I mean really. I'm in this period of high high's and low low's. Life keeps happening when I least expect it and I'm confronting my fears, anxieties, life situations, and accepting them for what they are- with the help from some new and old friends. 

You know how sometimes you meet people or have an opportunity to connect with somebody you've known for a while and it just clicks? You know those friends that the conversation flows so naturally that suddenly the sun is rising and you haven't slept? In these life moments, you keep thinking to yourself, 'Holy crap they are speaking my language.' They get it. I don't have to repeat, reiterate, rephrase, reinvent. They see life through a familiar lens. That is so precious. I mean really- these people are heart treasures. I am so grateful to be able to be the true, unfiltered, me that I am and for the endless support that subsides. 

Man at the bar: I can talk to you for ten minutes and you'll know some of my most intimate and painful life moments. No pity or shock. An ear. Nodding and listening. There are people that I have known for years that I spend real face time with that know a tenth of what I just told you. Thank you. 

"We're not often permitted to tell the truth in everyday life. There is a small set of words and reactions and pleasantries we are allowed to say like, 'I'm fine and you?' But we are not supposed to say much of anything else, especially how we are really doing. We find out early that telling the whole truth makes people feel uncomfortable and is certainly not ladylike or likely to make us popular, so we learn to lie sweetly so that we can be loved. And when we figure out the system, we are split in two: the public self, who says the right things in order to belong, and the secret self, who thinks other things." -Glennon Doyle Melton

 

Therapy

I am going to share my journal entry from last night. I want to show you how my mind works and also how powerful writing is for me. This little bout was over the span of about 30 minutes with a few intermittent tears (heavy sobs). I read it over tonight and quite frankly it made me giggle because it is such a literal transformation from being lost, losing control to a place of peace and regaining composure. Can you say free therapy?

Please enjoy:

" Do you ever have these moments of feeling completely alone? Like you can hear the echoes in the room when you cry? Today I had a meltdown- an unintentional temper tantrum if you will. I know that there are beautiful souls all around me in this world, but currently it feels like they're all staring fervently at me with a judging eye. What is she doing? Is she trying to be pretty?Charming? Happy? What is she trying to prove? I feel like they can read me like a book- plot line: she's lost. Enough said. The ironic thing is that I have been being quite intentional about all of this self-love, care, compassion stuff yet I keep feeling pushed into a corner. Why should a job define me? Why can't I start a business of my own? Why can't I help people? I am over my head (at times (right now)) in doubt, angst, fear. These have never been a part of me!! I need to be around people that lift me up. Many people in my life are supportive,* but in a vague, unconvincing way.

How can I move forward? 

  • Continue to move towards center. You have touched it. You are enough. Listen to your body.
  • Continue to be open to & looking for new opportunities in life. Move beyond just the Duluth's limits. Explore Washington, Ireland, the woods.
  • Take care of myself- continue eating vegetarian/organic, keep yoga-ing, keep hiking, the whole deal. You're doing great.
  • Really, truly be careful with your connections. Cut negativity out of your life- you've always been good at this. Be mindful of the Law of Conformity.
  • Show more compassion than ever before. To anybody, everybody. 
  • Continue learning. This fuels your fire. Find meaningful information and let it consume you.

Here's where this is coming from: losing touch with gratitude. I am so damn lucky. What for? Let's see:

  • Good health- to be in a fit body that feels and moves and sweats and makes love.
  • I do have amazing people in my life- Don't forget this! 
  • My mind- even though I feel negativity at times- I am learning how to take care of myself and I love that I love to learn. I love that. I am genuine and positive and optimistic.
  • Where I've been- my stories, connections, experiences- because they've gotten me here. 

Remember when you felt upward momentum? It was real! You frickin have it in you- make moves. 

Show gratitude, be thankful, keep smiling, show compassion, work hard, be natural. Also, express yourself. Be unique, bold, beautiful, intelligent, positive, Taylor. Everything will come together. "

Here's the deal: sometimes (every day) I fret about this blog ordeal. I ask myself trivial questions: What's the point? What does it mean? Why would anybody on this green earth pay attention to my rambles? Usually, after some time has passed, I am able to quiet the doubt in my head just briefly enough to point out that it doesn't really matter. 

This is my first shot at writing anything publicly. My first shot at giving, gifting, being open, exploring new territory, the whole pie and whip cream (that was my sweet tooth talking).  I spend hours reading and writing each day because it makes me a better person all around. To read is to absorb new information, to see the world in new light, to hear stories. This is my inhale. To write is to organize, to find beauty in heartache and worry, to express words I cannot say out loud. This is my exhale.  Clearly, the bulk of it never makes it on to this site because it's too private or messy or I am just simply not brave enough. But the truth is that this is all my lifeline. This blog might be equal parts messy and simple and plain, but I am learning. I am optimistic. 

Never be afraid of your gifts or your words. They are you and that is enough.