I am going to share my journal entry from last night. I want to show you how my mind works and also how powerful writing is for me. This little bout was over the span of about 30 minutes with a few intermittent tears (heavy sobs). I read it over tonight and quite frankly it made me giggle because it is such a literal transformation from being lost, losing control to a place of peace and regaining composure. Can you say free therapy?
Please enjoy:
" Do you ever have these moments of feeling completely alone? Like you can hear the echoes in the room when you cry? Today I had a meltdown- an unintentional temper tantrum if you will. I know that there are beautiful souls all around me in this world, but currently it feels like they're all staring fervently at me with a judging eye. What is she doing? Is she trying to be pretty?Charming? Happy? What is she trying to prove? I feel like they can read me like a book- plot line: she's lost. Enough said. The ironic thing is that I have been being quite intentional about all of this self-love, care, compassion stuff yet I keep feeling pushed into a corner. Why should a job define me? Why can't I start a business of my own? Why can't I help people? I am over my head (at times (right now)) in doubt, angst, fear. These have never been a part of me!! I need to be around people that lift me up. Many people in my life are supportive,* but in a vague, unconvincing way.
How can I move forward?
- Continue to move towards center. You have touched it. You are enough. Listen to your body.
- Continue to be open to & looking for new opportunities in life. Move beyond just the Duluth's limits. Explore Washington, Ireland, the woods.
- Take care of myself- continue eating vegetarian/organic, keep yoga-ing, keep hiking, the whole deal. You're doing great.
- Really, truly be careful with your connections. Cut negativity out of your life- you've always been good at this. Be mindful of the Law of Conformity.
- Show more compassion than ever before. To anybody, everybody.
- Continue learning. This fuels your fire. Find meaningful information and let it consume you.
Here's where this is coming from: losing touch with gratitude. I am so damn lucky. What for? Let's see:
- Good health- to be in a fit body that feels and moves and sweats and makes love.
- I do have amazing people in my life- Don't forget this!
- My mind- even though I feel negativity at times- I am learning how to take care of myself and I love that I love to learn. I love that. I am genuine and positive and optimistic.
- Where I've been- my stories, connections, experiences- because they've gotten me here.
Remember when you felt upward momentum? It was real! You frickin have it in you- make moves.
Show gratitude, be thankful, keep smiling, show compassion, work hard, be natural. Also, express yourself. Be unique, bold, beautiful, intelligent, positive, Taylor. Everything will come together. "