Find a healthy relationship with expectations.
I can't seem to let go of this thought. Maybe it's the key to everything hurtful. When you let go of any preconceived ideas of what a situation should be, what a relationship should consist of, or what the perfect life looks like- you gain the ability to listen to what is right rather than making decisions based on an idea. Life is messy. Life is unexpected. Life has a way of just happening. Perhaps we each need to do a better job embracing our stories as they are.
Let me give you a little Taylor Jane history here regarding my childhood and my relationship with my mom.
I grew up with a very easy life. My family did not have a lot of money, but we were comfortable. My parents fought all the damn time which was not scarring or bad. We went on vacations up north and they realized their dreams when we bought a cabin while I was in the fourth grade. My parents got divorced when I was 17. Also, not bad. Everybody had a new beginning and it was a breath of fresh air.
I watched my mom's family be broken my entire life. There were years and years of built up anger, frustration, lies, and a multitude of deep, hurtful problems for everybody involved. To witness such a long lineage of hatred, was rather humbling even as a little girl. I haven't seen any relatives on my mother's side of the family since I was in the first grade because they decided to simply shut each other out of their lives. And wow! That has taught me many lessons in life. Specifically, never to shut people out- family is so much bigger than the hurt.
With that being said, my entire life my mom and I have learned how to push one another's buttons. Throughout my teenage years, we had a very toxic relationship with one another. Although I felt confident that my parents divorce was for the best, I was still mad. I too was outspoken, rude, and confused. I was young and I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that even adults, whom you've always looked up to, aren't perfect. I believe my mom was also confused and was making some life decisions that I didn't understand. I was extremely hurt by the dishonesty and I wasn't able to communicate that well because it was a fairly new emotion to me. Ultimately, I experienced some pretty serious teenage angst about this entire situation. I can remember points in time that I felt so much hatred towards my mom for her lies and secrets and I had no way of expressing it in a healthy way. I would confront her and she would deny the accusations which only deepened the disgust I was feeling. This went on for a very long time and the only way I knew how to manage it was to avoid her and shut her out of my life completely (not recommended).
Here were my expectations:
- "This isn't how a mother should treat her daughter (family, husband)."
- "Families should always stay together."
- "Affairs are dishonest and the most hurtful thing you can do to others."
- "This is not traditional."
- "Parents should be role models."
- "Parents should be better at their children at everything."
- "This isn't normal."
- "This isn't fair."
I'm not sure at which point I decided to confront these emotions, but I would venture to guess it was after going to college and growing up a bit. The truth is, I was constantly feeling let down and hurt by our history simply because my expectations weren't met. It is not an easy task to rumble with your emotions and put things into perspective, but I finally remembered that little thought I'd had while growing up, that she was my mom and that tie trumps even the deepest hurt. I addressed the wounds she had formed by what she had done to me and my family. I knew that in the past few years it felt like she was trampling through life with only her own agenda in mind even though that wasn't the case. I recognized how angry I was, sometimes crying for hours, and that I was rather embarrassed of her actions. I kept most of it to myself, recognizing and learning, but some of it I communicated as well. I told her point blank that I was on fire, just pissed that she could abandon my dad, who I admired more than the world.
Basically, at some point in time, I did a huge dumping of all my emotions because I believe I needed it. I It had been building up for so long and I was carrying that around with me and I did not want those things to trickle into my own relationships someday (insecurity, distrust, anger). At the end of all of this 'personal dumping,' I finally understood that she wasn't happy in her marriage and although that was hard for me, I did understand. I absolutely did not endorse how she handled it, but I could empathize with the need to be happy personally. I wanted her to be a part of my life forever because she is my mom and I decided to move on. At that point in time, I invited her back into my life and our relationship improved.
Expectations live and breathe inside of us. They are reinforced by sitcoms and social media and magazines. I am in no way condoning letting go of our goals or morals or any of our key human features. I am, however, suggesting that we let go of the images in our minds of what our path looks like on our journey. It isn't particularly fair to ourselves or to others when we live with grandiose expectations of what life should be.
My mom is human. Everybody makes mistakes and also questions where they are at in life as far as careers, relationships, etc. go. Upon letting go of my expectations, I learned how to love my mom again. The truth is that I still struggle with these ideas at 23 but I am now understanding that our relationship is unique and ours. We know how to hurt each other, we make mistakes, we don't have a perfect family, we don't always communicate well, and oftentimes, we are broken. And you know what else? We are humans and that is ok. I am not disregarding the hurt and pain, I am just choosing to embrace the situation so that we can grow and improve. I am choosing love and compassion over the idea of a perfect life. In doing so, I am shedding the anger and resentment. We will get through it. I don't have a normal family, whatever the hell that even means, and I am ok with that for that's exactly what makes it mine and what makes me, me.
So mom, if you're reading this, I love you. I love you with all of your flaws and all of the mistakes and I hope that you'll love me for my own as well. I offer to you respect, trust, kindness, and compassion. You are enough. You are my mom and that is so special.