Paralyze

I am ready to turn a new leaf. This week in Washington has been extremely eye opening and this friendship that is equal parts genuine and nurturing, is teaching me so damn much about life. 

I don't want to be scared of telling the truth- of sharing genuine fears, feelings of anxiety, confusion, loss. Life is too short. I know that I write a lot about positivity and my gratefulness and that is legitimate. But there is more to me: this time of life is hard.

We are told that we have the world at our fingertips yet often feel stuck or lost about what's right and where we should be. "This is the time to have fun." "Explore the world." "Be free before the commitments of family and jobs tie you down." But what does it all mean and where does that get us? Because one day you might wake up and be 30 and have nothing but a few good pictures, an empty savings account, and a blank resume. I want to come to terms with my dreams and aspirations and pair them with a healthy dose of reality. We are told, from the time we are children, to dream big and conquer the world and I think that's where this sense of settling comes into play. If we don't do crazy, big, adventurous things does that make our lives less significant or cool? 

Being 23, I am constantly questioning myself, my potential, my decisions. I ask myself what's next and I don't have a clear answer and sometimes that makes me feel small. We are completely drowned in social media and live a lifestyle that is made up of comparisons. Am I ahead of the game? Am I aging better? Am I living up to my family's expectations? Society's? We are never able to find answers to these questions and are consequently never satisfied. As soon as we accomplish something, our minds take us to places that we are lacking. This is tough because we are fighting an upward battle that we can never seem to win, and as much as I would like to sit here and tell you that I don't ever worry or that I do not care about my relative position in this social stratosphere- I do. I can admit that. I am working on not. I am mapping out my wants, desires, and strengths so that at the very least I can feel, at times, confident and satisfied with the direction my life is going. "It does not matter what anybody else is doing," I remind the negative gremlins in my mind. We each have our own battles and insecurities and we all do a damn good job at hiding them but that does not make them less real. This is me and these are my emotions and although they hurt, this is what makes me feel alive. I want to face my insecurities for what they are and then move onward. They will not paralyze me and I refuse to let them creep thoughts of illegitimacy into my being because, well, I am capable of so much. My life has value. I dream of adventure and I will pursue my passions, but I will do so with purpose. Just watch.

Impatience

We are too soon old, and too late smart.

Patience is considered a virtue by most. That being said, I must ask: what are we waiting for? I hear people discuss what they will do and know when they are older, talk about getting serious later in life, state that they'll take better care of themselves when they're old, quit an awful job in the fall. But that's a silly mistake to make because we cannot assume we will be around at that time, and if we are, we may regret not learning, knowing, growing, or risk taking sooner. I don't want to eventually be financially independent, in great health, have a strong business, etc. I am impatient for success and happiness.

By committing myself to 90 minutes of learning time each day, I will grow quickly. I want to be quick to start, dive in, and then be patient: implementing what I've learned and help it all grow. I refuse to be a New Year's resolution type of person.  

"Achievers always work from a clear sense of priority... Instead of a to-do list, you need a success list- a list that is purposefully created around extraordinary results." -Gary Keller 

Mountains

Well I am back from a beautiful week in Colorful Colorado! I had quite a lovely time exploring, laughing, and learning. I had my first encounter with white water rafting and it was the bee's knees! I too had lots of time with my family and our closest friends coupled with some moments of solitude. I managed to get an abundance of words on paper and finished a handful of books.

I have been reminded yet again how adventure feeds the soul. To be away from schedules, routines, and structure is incredibly rejuvinating. There is something about the air here that makes you feel more natural and clean: refreshed. I want to start something new again soon. I know that I get antsy and bored rather often- a true sense of restlessness. Even when I'm satisfied with life and its challenges, I crave more. 

I'm learning about optimal experiences and about how powerful it is to control your mind- to be in complete awareness of my senses. I found that ironic today when I was on the raft when it nearly felt like nothing, an odd sense of numbness. The rocks, sky, and river were paralyzing. It was nothing and everything all at once, let me tell you. 

I am not normal. I can somehow render these tremendously positive experiences with minimal things. I see many of those that I am surrounded by, measuring success with fame and dollars. And yet, I'm left wondering what their lives are really like. How do their bodies feel? How active are their minds? Imagine if we respected positive experiences more than success in business. Who wins in that life? When you feel things and live deliberately, nobody can take that away from you. Nothing can match that feeling. I'm marching through life with my chin up, opening my own doors, packing my own bags. This life is mine and I know I'm lucky but I'm also making it the best I can.

My eyelids are heavy but I wanted to begin sharing. Cheers to the Fourth of July and superior memories all around!