I am ready to turn a new leaf. This week in Washington has been extremely eye opening and this friendship that is equal parts genuine and nurturing, is teaching me so damn much about life.
I don't want to be scared of telling the truth- of sharing genuine fears, feelings of anxiety, confusion, loss. Life is too short. I know that I write a lot about positivity and my gratefulness and that is legitimate. But there is more to me: this time of life is hard.
We are told that we have the world at our fingertips yet often feel stuck or lost about what's right and where we should be. "This is the time to have fun." "Explore the world." "Be free before the commitments of family and jobs tie you down." But what does it all mean and where does that get us? Because one day you might wake up and be 30 and have nothing but a few good pictures, an empty savings account, and a blank resume. I want to come to terms with my dreams and aspirations and pair them with a healthy dose of reality. We are told, from the time we are children, to dream big and conquer the world and I think that's where this sense of settling comes into play. If we don't do crazy, big, adventurous things does that make our lives less significant or cool?
Being 23, I am constantly questioning myself, my potential, my decisions. I ask myself what's next and I don't have a clear answer and sometimes that makes me feel small. We are completely drowned in social media and live a lifestyle that is made up of comparisons. Am I ahead of the game? Am I aging better? Am I living up to my family's expectations? Society's? We are never able to find answers to these questions and are consequently never satisfied. As soon as we accomplish something, our minds take us to places that we are lacking. This is tough because we are fighting an upward battle that we can never seem to win, and as much as I would like to sit here and tell you that I don't ever worry or that I do not care about my relative position in this social stratosphere- I do. I can admit that. I am working on not. I am mapping out my wants, desires, and strengths so that at the very least I can feel, at times, confident and satisfied with the direction my life is going. "It does not matter what anybody else is doing," I remind the negative gremlins in my mind. We each have our own battles and insecurities and we all do a damn good job at hiding them but that does not make them less real. This is me and these are my emotions and although they hurt, this is what makes me feel alive. I want to face my insecurities for what they are and then move onward. They will not paralyze me and I refuse to let them creep thoughts of illegitimacy into my being because, well, I am capable of so much. My life has value. I dream of adventure and I will pursue my passions, but I will do so with purpose. Just watch.